ENDLESS STRUGGLE TO LOVE SELF

As I cry in my bed at 3.36 am at the feeling of insufficience in every sense of the word... My question is how do I always end up here? In this same damn state? When will it ever get easier? Will I ever get to a point where I wholly love and accept myself in all my flaws and misgivings? Or is this just some hogwash we read in articles and blogs?

Have you?

 Being exactly a month away from turning 25 I always thought if all other things failed me .... I knew all the work I had put in on my journey to self love would have paid off by then. I'd be happier at least in that regard... But here I am crying my eyes out feeling like ugly Betty only with alot more chub to carry around.

So how do people get out of this hole? Nobody should dare open their mouth and tell me to go work out, that I'll love myself then! What about all the scars I have? Will the gym remedy that too? What about my overly bruised ego from comments I've received about my weight, how exactly will the gym fix that?

I know someone is sitting somewhere thinking I'm being overly dramatic or maybe this is such a small issue... But quite frankly it's not. I always felt like the default DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) who was the cock blocker for her friends at parties, hahaha! Or the camera person...maybe because I wasn't feeling particularly confident that day. One of my friends once asked me "kwani ni kila siku unaonanga haukai poa!?!" As she went on to take her selfies. I didn't say anything back but I'll never forget it. Not that she doesn't know that I struggle with Low Self Esteem, but she just doesn't understand it at times and it can be annoying to be around someone who is always so doubtful of themselves! I really don't blame her...

And that is one of least mean comments... I have heard everything from

 "Lynette unafaa kuwa ukikula rice na saucer ili uwache kuongeza kilo" 

"Ukivaa dresses zinakuslim...si kama jeans. You should wear dresses more"

 "You are sexy, but you could be sexier. It wouldn't hurt to work out" 

"Umeanza kuonona sana ..unapoteza shape."  And the list goes on and on.

Why are people so concerned with my body though?  I don't get it. I mean I have not expressed that I am uncomfortable with it so why the hell do you feel this need to keep chiming in? It is both hurtful and annoying! Some of this comments are made by people so close to me who I thought would take me as I am .. see beyond this vessel that carries an amazing soul full of so much love to share and so much energy. But no... clearly not everyone is able to see beyond the physical. Bummer!

Have I made tremendous strides to be at a better place with this self love...OH YES! 💯 Went from not being wholly comfortable with wearing any thing that showed my hands to walking around in a sleeveless top and leaving my jacket... (Small wins😎😎)

YAAAAAAAS!!!!💖💖

To wearing a body con top/dress that shows my love handles in all their glory...  And feeling really great about it!

But what about the emotional side of things... Why isn't that changing? What am I doing wrong? Am I surrounding myself with people who are bringing me down and taking me back to that God forsaken hole? Still trying to figure this out. But I think having been battling with this for so long has made me more sensitive to other people. I have always tried to be that person who truthfully assures others of how beautiful/handsome, lovely, appreciated and loved they are.. as well as giving random compliments to strangers just incase they are in need of a pick me up that day. This is because I know so well how it feels to be in a constant state of not feeling good enough and worthy that it would kill me to see someone go through the same.

As human beings I think sometimes we forget how bad we'd feel if someone was to keep pointing out our insecurities.. whether it's how short you are, or maybe you have acne or black spots on your face, whether you are experiencing hair loss or hair thinning at such a young age, maybe you are a stummerer or have lisp like Mike Tyson or any other insecurity one might have...  so why are we so fast to point out those of others?

I don't understand it either!

Low Self Esteem can affect any individual of any gender and age group, brought about by different circumstances and each of them dealing with it differently. It calls for a whole lot of sensitivity for others because we never really know what they are battling with and I'm sure we wouldn't want to add to the pile. It affects all aspects of our lives i.e. at school, at work, in our friendships, in our relationships... it is an endless struggle that is not carried with the weight it deserves and is often misunderstood.

The point of this post is not a cry for pity... This is an attempt to bring awareness to a topic not so often addressed in its rawness due to fear of vulnerability... but I'm here baring my soul in all it's nakedness as I plead that we become people who are more kind in both our actions and words. Let's not be so fixated on the physical and miss out on knowing amazing human beings. Let's endeavour to make the next person feel loved and appreciated because sometimes that's all they need.

As I continue on this journey, I want to tell you that you are nothing short of enough! You are deserving of all the love and affection in the world! You are capable; don't run away from a challenge because you feel you can't tackle it! Love yourself enough to be able to establish the kind of love you deserve!  You deserve to be loved and respected! Do not allow anyone to look down upon you or to treat you as a push over.. speak for yourself!

Spread Love and Kindness💋

Njeri.